Groceries
by ThisPerson1
Summary: In which Wolfwood goes shopping with Milly to stock up on some fresh food for the gang. He should know by now that nothing ever goes smoothly, especially with the insurance girl. Still, it can't be all bad, right? Spiritual successor to Taking a Risk. More MillyxWolfwood.


"WHAT?!"

"You heard me! It's the least you can do after getting us kicked out of the hotel!"

"How was I supposed to know the fool would take it so literally?! It's not my fault the broom-headed idiot has the brain capacity of an actual broom!"

Meryl Strife was nothing if not determined. Though, sometimes, determination was just a nice way of saying stubborn. With the coldest glare he'd seen and a finger aimed in the direction of town, Meryl sent Wolfwood on his way.

The priest grumbled as he jammed his hands into his pockets and headed off to get it done and over with. Vash was, of course, nowhere to be found. He was supposedly still injured from the whole ordeal and was resting in his room, though Wolfwood knew he was faking. He'd seen the man rush through a hail of bullets and tank explosions head-on and still come out alive. This was nothing compared to his past experiences. He had the nagging feeling that he simply wanted to be waited on by Meryl and grinned when he imagined the rude awaking Needle Noggin was likely to get. Serves him right. Too bad he wasn't the one who had to make up for it though.

"That damn moron! I can't believe I'm doing this," Wolfwood ranted as he walked along the rocky drive. "_He's _the one who got us kicked outta there, so why am I the one doing this?" He reached the end of the driveway and kicked a large rock that had come loose. It had once been neatly arranged into the sandy earth with the others but age and neglect had caused them to break free.

"Meryl said it was because you were the one who gave Mr. Vash the idea."

Nicholas D. Wolfwood, certified badass, nearly leapt out of his skin at the sudden appearance of Milly. Noticing this, she apologized. "I'm sorry, Mr. Priest! I didn't mean to scare you; I thought you heard me."

"Kinda hard to hear you when you don't make a sound," he retorted, smoothing out his suit and acting like it hadn't happened.

"Well, you were complaining awfully loud about Mr. Vash. Maybe that's why you didn't hear me." Wolfwood bit the inside of his cheek and offered a forced smile that Milly didn't notice. "Oh! I just remembered why I came to see you," she said suddenly.

"You mean it wasn't just to scare the daylights outta me?"

"No. I wanted to go with you." The two of them stood silently for a few moments.

"Really? I mean, I appreciate the offer but I can take care of things myself. You should probably stay here and help watch after Needle Noggin or help the owners with their chores."

"Already done!" she declared, clapping her hands together. "They were so happy I helped, that they even paid me for it. I thought I'd surprise everyone by bringing them pudding."

Wolfwood didn't think he had it in him to deny that face. Milly looked so positively delighted by her idea that he couldn't have told her no even if he wanted to. Aside from that fact, however, she also probably didn't want to spend all day cooped up inside. Sure, the elderly couple that lived here was kind-kind enough to take them in and give them food and shelter in the home they'd built themselves-but it was obvious they were lonely more than anything. Jacob and Sarah's house was huge for two people and it was built far enough from the town that one would really be going out of their way to get there. Nobody ever paid them a visit and they were so stunned by the sight of them on their doorstep that Jacob thought he'd finally gone mad. They'd taken them in in a heartbeat.

They were friendly, yes, but there was only so much old-timey reminiscence one could take.

"Aw, heck. Why not?" Wolfwood said while scratching the back of his head. "I could use something to get my mind off Vash's screw up." Together, the two of them headed off to the town. Milly was rambling on about some nonsense or another but Wolfwood wasn't really listening. He was too focused on his inner voice telling him that this wouldn't end well. His past experiences with the insurance girls and the walking natural disaster had taught him to be on guard no matter what because anything-and everything-would likely go wrong.

The priest spared a sidelong glance at Milly and offered a vague 'yeah, sure' to whatever she had just said. She was all smiles and besides, they were only going to pick up some groceries. How could something so innocent go wrong?

If Milly noticed Wolfwood's distracted state she didn't say anything and carried on as normal. Wolfwood, on the other hand, continued to stare at her until he realized just what it was he was doing. _Staring. _At Milly of all people. He shook his head and settled his gaze on the small town in the distance. He had to get his mind on something a little less un-priestly.

"So, I was thinking we should hit the baker's and get things like bread and stuff first," he said, cutting off Milly's one-sided conversation. "That way, we won't have to worry about anything spoiling because we took too long."

"Alright! Sounds like a plan," Milly said cheerfully without even acknowledging that she'd been interrupted. "And then when we're all done, we can get the pudding."

"Uh, right." He fell silent after that. Milly didn't let it last.

"So, Mr. Priest, what do you do?"

"Come again?" Wolfwood was caught off guard by the sudden inquiry. She already knew what he did; everybody knew what he did, and those unfortunate enough to have no idea...

Well, they usually found out soon enough.

"I mean in your spare time. What kind of hobbies do you have?"

"Oh, that. Eh, I try to spend time with the kids at the orphanage whenever I can. Give out confessionals. You know, the usual stuff." He was hoping that his slightly aloof attitude would get her to change the subject. He supposed he was hoping for the impossible.

"That's really nice of you. But, um..."

"But what?" he asked, trying to tell himself that he was not regretting his sudden grumpiness.

"Don't you ever do anything for yourself once in a while?" She left it at that so he'd have time to think.

Wolfwood was going to respond with something unrelated to his personal life in an effort to steer the conversation elsewhere but stopped once she dropped her question. It was certainly not the type of thing he'd ever expect to come out of her mouth, that was for sure. It honestly made him think. _Did _he ever do anything for himself? The priest was struggling to recall at least one time where he'd decided to selfishly indulge on something for his own needs. One time where he did something-anything-for no other reason than because _he_ wanted to.

He was drawing a blank and, frankly, he wasn't sure if he should be impressed with himself or disappointed.

"Mr. Priest?" Milly asked, waving a hand in front of him.

Wolfwood snapped out of his reverie at the sound of her voice. He'd almost forgotten she was there. "Sorry, I-"

"It's okay if you can't answer," she said understandingly. "You _are _a priest, after all. I guess it would be kind of wrong for you to be thinking about yourself and no one else."

"Ah... R-right..." He was too bothered by Milly's sudden insight to see her transition right back into her old self as though nothing weird had happened. If there was anything more terrifying than her physical strength, it was her smarts. He considered himself lucky that she never seemed to realize it.

They continued on into town, Milly keeping up her conversation with the wall that was Wolfwood. He was too lost in thought to have the decency to at least give the occasional grunt to let her know he was listening, though she clearly didn't care. They slowly walked by the first few businesses forming the outer edge of the town and neither noticed the man in the tacky coat watching them from the alley.

"Alright! To the bakery!" Milly declared suddenly, pulling a surprised Wolfwood into the aforementioned building. Upon reaching the front counter she greeted the man who was currently stocking the shelves with loaves of freshly baked bread.

"Hello there," he said with a friendly smile. "What can I get for you today?"

"We'd like to buy some bread please, Mr. Baker."

The man laughed. "Bread, huh? I think I might have some around here somewhere," he said, pretending to think about where it might be.

"We'd like four loaves of white please," said Wolfwood suddenly, ending the banter. Getting an idea, he added, "And a dozen donuts, if you have them."

"Of course. Name's Tommy, by the way. The bread'll be packed up real quick but the donuts aren't done yet. It should only be a few more minutes though. At least you'll have them nice and fresh."

"We'll wait, thanks." Wolfwood watched Tommy leave with a nod and heard a timer go off somewhere in back.

"That's really nice of you to get donuts for Mr. Vash, especially with what just happened to him," Milly said, giving the priest a bright smile.

"Oh, they're for Vash alright," he said with a sinister grin. He had plans on hog-tying him and making him watch as he ate every single donut himself as punishment for this whole ordeal. The red-clad man wouldn't get so much as a desperate sniff.

"All done." Tommy had reappeared and handed them a couple of bags. "You should eat 'em while they're fresh, you two."

"Oh, we were going to save them for our friends. Thanks again."

Tommy simply shrugged at Wolfwood. "That'll be twenty double dollars." Wolfwood handed him the money and he waved as the two of them left before going back to his work.

"Ok, Mr. Priest, where to next?" Milly was happily marching along with her bag and couldn't have been in a better mood.

"Uh, let's see... I think we might need some vegetables. The old lady was saying she wanted to cook a casserole or something. We should probably see if we can find a decent market around here." It would be hard given the harsh environment of the planet, but growing produce _was _possible. It was unfortunate that the only souls who knew how were either isolated-for safety reasons-or just plain crazy. He hoped this town would just get the occasional shipment or something. It was a far safer alternative.

"Right!" Milly gave a mock salute before continuing. "You've been awfully quiet today, Mr. Priest. Is something wrong?"

Wolfwood internally swore at Milly's sudden perceptiveness. He just _knew _this would happen if he let her tag along. He sometimes had a hard time understanding his decisions. "I'm fine, Milly, thanks. I just don't have much to say, that's all." She gave a thoughtful hum in response. "What about you?" he asked suddenly, hoping to exploit her short attention span. "You're awfully talkative today."

"Yeah, I guess I am," she said brightly. "It's just such a nice day. How could I not be happy? Oh, hey, look over there!"

Wolfwood let out a small sigh of relief as Milly's attention fixated on something other than him. He couldn't fathom why, but for some reason being the subject of her scrutiny really put him on edge. He just chalked it up as being one of her quirks and him slowly succumbing to the desert heat.

Yeah, it was definitely the heat that was doing this to him.

"Come on, Mr. Priest, let's go! I think they've got some veggies over there at that tent."

Milly continued to yank his arm until he finally looked to where she was pointing. Off in the distance, a little ways from the town, was a single white tent. He could just make out short wooden stands filled to the brim with what looked to be vegetables and other goods. It wouldn't have been so out of place if it wasn't totally deserted. Not a soul in sight.

"I don't know, Milly, that seems kind of... strange, don't you think?" He rubbed his eyes beneath his sunglasses just to make sure he wasn't missing anything.

"What's so strange about it? It looks okay to me."

"Well, yeah, it _looks _normal, but don't you find it odd how there's no one around?" How could they be selling something that was practically as rare as diamond and not have any business? There wasn't even someone manning the tent; it was like they weren't even worried about theft.

"Maybe they just set up and no one's seen it yet. I think we should go check it out."

Wolfwood thought about it. It was still a little early; most of the businesses in the town were still going about their opening routines. Maybe Milly was right and the tent was just the first of many to set up shop on the outskirts of town in preparation for some sort of market. It wasn't exactly an uncommon sight in places like these where there were few noteworthy businesses. Aside from the local bar and the baker, there wasn't much else to see or do here.

Eventually, he relented. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to check it out. If it turns out to be nothing we'll just head back."

"Sounds good to me." Milly took the lead as Wolfwood trudged along behind her, watching for anything suspicious. This whole thing just seemed too bizarre to him and he wasn't keen on taking any chances, especially since he'd left his Punisher Cross back at the old couple's place in favor of being able to properly carry the groceries.

"I don't know, Milly," Wolfwood said as they reached the tent. He picked up a bright red apple to inspect it and was surprised to find that it was made out of plastic. "They're fake!"

"Really?" Milly grabbed a pepper and crushed it in her hand, dismayed to get nothing more than a pitiful crunch. Deflated, she said, "Well, that stinks. And here I thought we found something special."

"Oh, there's something special here alright," came a voice from behind them.

Wolfwood spun around and automatically put himself between Milly and the newcomer. The priest didn't look nearly as threatening as he hoped with one arm holding a paper bag full of bread and the other cast in front of a girl.

The man released a shrill laugh. "How sweet of you to try and protect your little girlfriend."

"And just who might you be?" Wolfwood said with a warning tone. The man standing across from him may look more ridiculous than dangerous but he knew better than to trust appearances. Sure, middle-aged bald man in a plum overcoat with an insanely high collar may not scream threatening but there was no telling what he was capable of. Wolfwood could say that from experience.

The man adjusted his collar-which went well above his head-before gaining a smug grin. "I am known as The Stalker, the greatest criminal mastermind there is."

"Uh-huh," said Wolfwood while trying not to grimace at the man's cheesiness.

"And you two have fallen prey to my trap."

"But why did you set a trap for us?" Milly asked. She sounded genuinely curious and had no sense of urgency what-so-ever. Typical Milly.

"Don't think I don't know who you are. You two are close friends to Vash the Stampede, otherwise known as the Humanoid Typhoon. I was only looking for someone menacing to best in a game of diabolical wits so that people would start taking me more seriously, like the Nebraska Family, but I've got an even better plan now. If I were to capture you two and hold you hostage, I could use you as bait to capture Vash. And then I'll be sixty billion double dollars richer! And famous! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

Wolfwood scoffed at the man's attitude. If he thought he had a chance of becoming as notorious as the Nebraskas, he had another thing coming. "Just one thing, Creeper Man," he started as he reached into his jacket to pull out his gun. "You'll have to actually catch us first!" One swift motion and his gun was leveled right between the man's eyes.

'The Stalker' raised his arms in surrender. "You're awfully fast." He shrank back a little. The priest grinned at how easy it was. "Too bad I'm faster!" He snapped his fingers and before Wolfwood or Milly could react the ground disappeared from beneath them, sending them tumbling through darkness. "You'll never get out of this alive!" His laughter echoed down into the depths after them.

"Milly!" Wolfwood called, reaching out to grab her. Bags forgotten, they were falling endlessly through a dark tunnel while the insurance girl screamed her lungs out. "Milly, calm down!" He managed to grab hold of her arm and pulled her close so he could maneuver himself around to take the brunt of the landing they were soon to get. Seconds later, they landed on a dusty mattress with a heavy _thump _while bread and donuts rained down. There was a moment of stillness as they laid there trying to recover.

Milly was the first to move and sat up next to Wolfwood, who'd taken the worst of the landing. "Are you okay, Mr. Priest?" She watched him with worried eyes as he groaned and slowly got into a sitting position.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?"

"Mmhmm." She continued to stare at him awkwardly.

"What?" It was then that he realized he was still gripping her wrist. As nonchalantly as possible, he let it go with an uncomfortable cough. He got to his feet. "Damn. I can't believe we fell for something like this." Looking up at the passage they just fell through told him that they weren't going to get out that way. The walls were perfectly smooth and even then he wasn't sure they'd be able to climb that high. The space they were in was dimly lit but everything above ten feet or so was pitch black.

"What do we do now?" Milly ran a hand over the smooth surface of the walls. "I don't think there's any way to break this; we won't be able to make any footholds to climb."

Wolfwood raised a brow; he hadn't actually thought of that. Milly's gun would be perfect for such a task if only the walls weren't impenetrable steel. "I guess we'll just have to find another way out of this," he said. He took off his sunglasses and could just see the faint outline of a corridor a few feet away. It was almost entirely encompassed in darkness and just screamed untrustworthy but they didn't have much of a choice.

Milly noticed the hall just as Wolfwood turned to say something. "Don't tell me we have to go through there," she said with a shiver. That Stalker guy had given her the creeps. Tacky clothing aside, there was something awfully sinister about him that she didn't like one bit.

"Sorry, but it's either through there or rot here. We don't really have any other options." Seeing Milly's unwillingness made him reach out and place a hand on her shoulder. "C'mon. It'll be fine. We've dealt with way worse than some creep who can't dress himself. I won't let anything happen, I promise." He smiled and was glad to see it returned. Taking the lead, he started down the corridor.

Milly let out a frightened whimper as she scooted a little closer to Wolfwood. It was eerily silent; the only sound was their footsteps and breathing. They couldn't see a thing either.

"Relax, Milly." He placed a hand on her shoulder and left it there so she'd know he was still by her side. His other hand held his gun, ready to be drawn in a flash.

"What do you think this guy's up to? Do you think he built all this?"

Wolfwood thought about it for a few moments. Anybody living on this planet was resourceful; they'd have to be in order to survive. Maybe this guy really was some sort of genius, however unlikely. "Nah," he said finally. "I think this is just some sort of lost technology or something and this guy's just making darn good use of it." He'd seen something similar to this back when he first met Vash and the gang in the middle of nowhere. The only difference now was there were-thankfully-no killer robots.

A soft click to their left caused them both to stand on alert. Wolfwood didn't hesistate to take aim, though he couldn't see what he was supposed to be aiming at. Another click soon followed, and another, before a series of lights began to flicker to life and make their way towards them. Soon the entire area was swathed in artificial light and they found themselves standing in a vast room littered with broken machinery and monitors. It had been so dark they hadn't even noticed that they were no longer walking along a corridor.

"What is this place?" Milly asked with a hint of wonder. She'd never seen anything like it.

"I think it's... some sort of lab," the priest responded, taking note of the many tables covered in papers and tools.

"You'd be absolutely right." The Stalker's voice rang out from all around them. "I discovered this place by accident a little while ago and you wouldn't believe some of the things I've managed to uncover. All this lost technology... And to think it would've done nothing more than sit around and rot if I hadn't come across it. I have every intention to put this stuff to good use. Just wait until you see the culmination of my research."

"Something tells me it isn't for world peace," Wolfwood muttered, causing Milly to giggle despite the situation.

"I've had just about enough of everyone treating me like I'm some third-rate bad guy," he continued to rant, oblivious to Wolfwood's sarcastic comment. "Now that I have the two of you here, I'll be able to kill two birds with one very deadly stone." His sudden change in voice unsettled both Milly and Wolfwood. This guy-however insane-definitely meant business.

Milly drew her gun and the two of them readied themselves for battle. "Not only will killing the two of you make everyone see just how dangerous I really am-" a door on the far side of the room whirred open and revealed a large, bipedal robot, "-but I can also use you to trick Vash. By the time he gets the message you'll already be dead. What a pity. He'll have come running all this way for nothing."

Wolfwood watched in slight horror as the monstrosity began to make its way towards them. It took slow, lumbering steps, so speed wasn't an issue, but it looked to be so heavily armored that he doubted he could do much head-on. They were going to have to think this through.

"Take this, you ugly tin can!" Milly shouted as she fired a few shots. She watched in shock as they did nothing more than knock into it with a clang before falling to the floor. The robot was hardly even fazed.

"We're gonna have to try something else." Wolfwood looked back at it just in time to catch the shoulders lifting open to reveal two small rockets each. "Shit!" He grabbed Milly and pulled her behind an overturned table just as the rockets fired. The explosion reverberated through the floor and left scorch marks where they'd been standing. "Any ideas?" he asked as he peered over the top to unload a few rounds. Just as he expected, the bullets merely pinged off the armor like pebbles.

"Um... Maybe it has a weak spot?"

"Hmm. The joints, most likely. Alright. I'll need a distraction."

"Got it!" Milly leapt out of cover and took a shot right at its head. The grapple hit the metal plate that was its face head-on and it took a single step backwards, momentarily stunned. Wolfwood took the opportunity to flank it and was going to send a few bullets into the back of its knee, but the thing suddenly whirled one hundred and eighty degrees at the waist whilst an arm swung out and got him right in the ribs. He was sent flying to the side like a ragdoll before colliding with a pile of junk.

"Wolfwood!" Milly began rapid-firing at the robot, hoping to at least distract it long enough for the priest to recover. Its primary focus was still on the man in question but it brought up its other arm amidst the barrage and fired its claw-like hand at Milly. She couldn't block the metal appendage and was knocked forcefully off her feet before landing on her back. Feeling its grip tighten, she opened her eyes to see it was attached to a tether on its arm and it was reeling her in like a fish. She tried to dig her feet into the floor in a vain attempt to stop it.

"Let go of her, you son of a bitch!" Wolfwood wheezed with renewed vigor. He shot at the tether until it finally snapped, freeing Milly from its grasp. He then proceeded to unload his gun into the slight gap in the crook of its elbow that was exposed while its arm was rod-straight. A loud pop followed by sparks ensured that it wouldn't be using it again.

The robot suddenly made a move to stomp Wolfwood's head but he managed to roll away and onto his feet. It followed his movements and brought its good arm up-though it made sure to keep it bent at the elbow this time-and revealed a machine gun in place of its claw. It didn't hesitate to open fire and tracked the priest's every move around the room as he dodged. Everything he tried to hide behind was turned into Swiss cheese.

Finally finding shelter behind a particularly durable chunk of metal, Wolfwood took a few moments to compose himself and reload his gun. "Lord, if I ever get out of this, I'm never going grocery shopping again." He listened to the hail of bullets bounce off the metal plate. Soon, heavy footsteps approached him. "Relentless little bastard, isn't he?" he asked to no one in particular. At least it was no longer focused on Milly. He was hoping she'd have the sense to hide; she wasn't cut for this type of thing.

A loud _clang _resounded through the space and the machinegun fire stopped. He heard the heavy banging of its feet on the floor, though it was no longer coming in his direction. "Back off!" Milly shouted. Another metallic bang.

Wolfwood peeked out from behind his wall to see the normally docile insurance girl take another furious swing at the robot, her gun cracking it across its metal face and jerking its head sideways.

He had to admit: it was pretty badass. He couldn't help but grin.

Milly brought her gun down hard on the robot's wrist when it aimed at her. It was too close to shoot her, at least with the gun in its arm. She swung upwards at its face yet again, its head jolting backwards like it just received an electric shock. Before it could recover she fired a shot at its neck, hoping to dislodge something or cause it to short circuit, anything to put it down for good.

The robot staggered backwards but otherwise did not go down. It opened a compartment on its chest to reveal another two rockets, but just as it fired Milly, purely by reflex, shot a grapple at it and they exploded before fully escaping the robot. She went flying back from the shockwave.

###

Wolfwood spied a small gap between the base of the robot's head and the silver plating that rose from its back in an effort to conceal it and protect the wires that made up its neck. Milly's shot to the front of it made it momentarily unsteady and left its head in a position that couldn't make the gap any larger. Wolfwood pulled the trigger and was startled by the sudden explosion.

###

When the smoke finally cleared, they could see the robot make a few pitiful attempts at walking before falling to its knees and then toppling face-first onto the floor. Aside from a small display of electric fireworks, the thing was otherwise dead.

Wolfwood surveyed the totaled lab for any other attackers and spotted Milly a good twenty feet away from where she'd been previously. He rushed over to help her to her feet. "Are you okay?" She coughed a few times and her clothes were a little singed, but she seemed to be doing fine.

"Ugh... Yeah, I'm okay. I just wasn't expecting that." She let her herself fall into Wolfwood, still a little too shaken to stand on her own. "Did we get it?" She looked over at what was left of the robot, nothing more than a smoldering mass of metal no different than the many other hunks of garbage lying around.

"Yeah, I think we got it," Wolfwood answered. Taking a good look around, he added, "We should really try to find a way out of here before that freak sicks something else on us." A boxy device let off a small pop and began smoking. "Or before something blows up," he amended. Milly nodded in response and so he helped her steady herself before they both walked around the lab, trying to find something that could be an exit.

"Over here!" Milly suddenly called, gesturing wildly. Wolfwood was secretly pleased to see that she was already back to her old self, though he certainly enjoyed Badass Milly while it lasted.

"Find something?" he asked as he reached her. She showed him what had gotten her interest. One of the walls on the far side of the lab sounded hollow, meaning it had to be a door of some sort. The only question was how to get it open. There was no handle, keypad, or controls of any kind. Just two small holes at about eye level. There was no way someone with the intelligence to build a robot like that would make the entrance to their secret lab only accessible from the outside either.

"There's gotta be something somewhere," Milly mumbled to herself, eyes scanning the wall for another hint.

Wolfwood simply shrugged and dug around in his jacket pockets for a cigarette. He really needed a smoke right now. He let himself slide down the wall into a sitting position as he lit the mostly finished cancer stick and took a long drag, exhaling slowly to calm his nerves.

Milly scoured the wall for a few more minutes before calling it quits and taking a seat next to the priest. "We've got to get out of here," she said with a pout.

"And we will," Wolfwood assured her. He snuffed out his cigarette and flicked the butt across the room. "From the sounds of it, that guy went to go give Vash and Meryl the news. You know there's no way he hasn't gotten his ass handed to him by those two by now. They'll find us."

"Yeah, you're right." She smiled briefly but it soon faded. "How long do you think it'll take though? I don't know if I can stand another minute here."

The priest shrugged. "Guess we'll just have to wait and see. Have faith." A particularly violent spark from the destroyed robot caught his attention. "You know," he began, feeling a bit awkward all of a sudden, "that was pretty amazing of you to just start swinging your gun at that thing. If it weren't for you I'd probably look like that robot." It had been the single most impressive thing he'd ever seen someone do. And when that someone was Milly...

"Aw, it was no problem, Mr. Priest," she said with a blush as he gave her a lopsided grin. "I was just trying to help and since shooting it wasn't working I figured hitting it might."

"Yeah, well, still... I've gotta start giving you more credit. After seeing that side of you I'd say the Humanoid Typhoon better watch out. You might hit him like a landslide if he pisses you off." Milly laughed and he found himself joining her. Near-death experience aside, he was actually really enjoying this right now.

"You're darn right! You'd better watch out too, Mr. Priest, or I'll come at you next!" She gave him a mock-scowl and poked him in the ribs. Wolfwood couldn't help but laugh at her failed attempt at seriousness and she pretended to pout, though she couldn't achieve that either. She eventually gave up and, still giggling, uncrossed her arms and set them by her sides.

Wolfwood twitched as Milly's hand inadvertently came to rest on his own. Looking down at it he fought a slight blush and cleared his throat.

Milly went to pull her hand away but felt Wolfwood grasp it in his own. When she looked at him in surprise he said nothing and acted as if it were normal. She couldn't help the warmth that crept up her cheeks. Was Wolfwood really-?

"You know," he said suddenly, continuing to stare straight ahead, "about earlier... Do you remember when you asked me if I'd ever done anything for myself and not other people?" He caught her nod from the corner of his eye. "Well, I thought about it and the answer is no. I don't think I have ever done anything so selfish. I tried telling myself that it was okay, because I'm a priest and that's kind of the whole point but... deep down, I can't help but feel like a failure. I mean, it's almost pathetic." He paused before looking at the girl next to him. "What do you think?"

Milly blinked in surprise. This was not a scenario she was expecting. She struggled to form a proper sentence. "I-uh-everyone has... I don't think it's a bad thing that you don't... you know... do stuff just for yourself all the time."

"So you don't find it a little lame that I've never so much as treated myself to a fancy meal or something?" He stared at her. Having taken off his sunglasses after their landing his gaze was there for her to see.

"Well... How come? I mean, I'm not saying it's bad or anything but everyone has to treat themselves now and then, right?" He shrugged. Truth be told, she wasn't sure herself. How much had _she_ done for her own sake?

Wolfwood watched her for a few moments longer before breaking eye contact. He remained silent as he contemplated his options. He could drop this whole thing right now-pull a page out of Milly's book and just revert to his usual, aloof self like the air between them hadn't just changed-or he could press on and finish what he was trying to start. Either way, he wasn't feeling particularly righteous. One choice would be lying-to more than just Milly-and the other was... not the most priestly of ideas.

Milly watched the man as he leant his head back against the wall, closed his eyes, and drew in a deep breath. She was about to ask if he was okay and gauge whether or not this whole conversation was going somewhere when he suddenly snapped to and pulled her face closer with his free hand, the other still gripping hers tightly.

It took her a few stunned seconds longer than she'd care to admit to realize that Nicholas D. Wolfwood was kissing her. His lips were pressed firmly against hers and she didn't dare pull away. When she felt his tongue asking for permission, she happily granted it and let the kiss deepen.

They stayed like that for many moments until they needed to break apart for air. A strange silence settled between them.

"Well... That was…" Wolfwood trailed off, not quite knowing what to say. He couldn't bring himself to look at her in case he'd just made a colossal error in judgement. "Listen," he said when the awkward silence became to much. "I'm sorry if I-" A punch in his arm crashed his train of thought as he finally looked at Milly.

"You don't need to apologize," she said softly, face still a furious shade of red. She smiled at him and watched him break into a stupid grin. "But, you know, you could give a little warning next time."

"Mm. How's this?" He closed the gap much slower this time and they lost themselves in each other once more.

When Wolfwood pulled away he felt elated. It hadn't been a mistake. Perhaps they could be something after all. Though he knew it was wrong he still didn't give a damn. All that mattered was her. He smiled.

"So I guess this means you've finally done something for yourself?" she asked, giving him another playful punch on the arm.

"No," he said, waiting until she faced him with a slightly bewildered look. Grinning, he continued, "I'd say that was just as much for you as it was for me. I don't know what kind of a person I'd be if I did something like that just for myself." They both broke out into stupid laughter.

When the next bout of silence befell them they were much more comfortable in it. "We still don't have a way out of here," said Milly after many minutes of quiet.

"Are you complaining? If we'd gotten out of here sooner this never would've happened." Though he was smiling he knew it to be a fact. He'd never have done anything like this in any other circumstance. This was about as good a chance as he'd get.

"That doesn't mean I wanna spend all day here, silly." She stood up and stretched. "C'mon. There's gotta be some way to get this thing to open." Right as she said this a beep sounded and the part of wall Wolfwood had been leaning against sank back a few inches before sliding open, sending the priest to the floor. They both stared incredulously at the lit hallway before them.

"You have _got _to be kidding me," Wolfwood grumbled from his back. Getting to his feet he shared a look with Milly. "I guess he can't be all brains, huh?" The two made their way down the hall.

"I'm gonna ask you one more time, you ugly creep! _Where_ are they?" Meryl, still in a horrid mood after spending the day dealing with Vash, loomed over the self-proclaimed mastermind as he lay mildly beaten at her feet. It was almost comical in the fact that had he been standing she would've looked like a child compared to him, even without the coat. Vash stood off to the side, band-aids still stuck on his face, sporting an apologetic look.

"I'll... I'll never tell you anything! It's too late anyway; they're already dead!" Though he'd just received an ass-whooping from a girl almost half his age and size he still held onto what little bits of pride he could. Not like he had much left to loose.

"Hey, c'mon," Vash whined, feeling rather sorry for the man. "You don't have to do this. You're only making things worse for yourself. Meryl's in a terrible mood today." He flinched as the girl in question whipped around to face him.

"And who's fault is that, you oaf? None of this would be happening if you weren't such an idiot!"

"It was Wolfwood's idea!"

She brought a palm to her face. "Care to tell me when something bad _hasn't _happened whenever you go along with one of Wolfwood's 'ideas'?"

Vash froze. She had a point there. "But it always works out in the end," he tried. "Just let me talk to him, I'm sure I could-" He stopped and grimaced at the aggressive way the insurance girl stepped on the end of the man's cloak to stop him from crawling away.

"And just where do you think you're going?" Her eyes glinted dangerously as she pinned him with her boot.

The Stalker, otherwise known as Louis Matthews, cowered in fear at this woman above him. Forget the Humanoid Typhoon-this short girl was far more dangerous. Why wasn't _she _mentioned with Vash? She was the real threat here.

"Last time," Meryl warned, pulling out one of her signature weapons. "They don't call me Derringer Meryl for nothing." She pointed her gun at the man and watched his ridiculous attempt at sinking further into his cloak. How pathetic. She would've laughed if she hadn't been in such a nasty mood.

Just when he was about to cave, a voice stopped him from spilling the beans.

"What is going on here? We were gone for what, maybe a little over an hour?" Wolfwood strode over to the scene with Milly right by his side. His grin widened as he saw what became of the so-called 'mastermind.'

The defeated man flapped his jaw comically, too astonished to form a proper sentence. "W-what? How? How did you escape my lab? That's impossible! You shouldn't even still be alive!" So many questions were whirling through his mind right now. Not a single one had to do with his life choices, however.

"Maybe next time you wanna build a better bot?" Wolfwood offered, lighting up another cigarette. Milly stopped a few steps in front of him and regarded the man before her with a scowl. The priest, having been privy to that look some time prior, knew she was about to erupt.

"You horrible, evil little man!" she cried, grabbing either side of his collar and hefting him up like he weighed next to nothing. Bringing him to her face she yelled, "I can't believe you would do such a thing to two innocent people!"

Meryl blinked at the display before her and glanced at Wolfwood, hoping for an explanation. He merely shrugged. "Milly," she tried, bringing her hands up in a non-threatening manner. Though she'd known the girl for years, she didn't think she'd ever seen her so angry.

"You tried to kill us!" She gave him a good shake. "You threatened our friends!" Shake. "You made us lose our bread and donuts!" Several hard shakes followed, leaving Louis' head swimming.

"Donuts?" Vash had been feeling rather sorry for the man, but upon hearing of his apparent disregard for sugary fried bread he decided he was undeserving of such pity.

"Milly, please calm down." Meryl finally got it in her to step over and try to pry her friend's hands from the man's tacky outfit. Vash was, as always, more focused on the food than he was helping and Wolfwood was standing there with the oddest grin she'd ever seen, but otherwise letting the brunette go at it.

"And we didn't even get to buy our pudding!"

"Milly!" The girl in question gave her victim one final shake before looking at Meryl. "I don't know what's going on but can you please just put him down so we can figure this out calmly?" She massaged her forehead, a headache already forming.

Milly huffed and dropped the most pathetic outlaw she'd ever seen onto his butt.

Wolfwood couldn't help it any longer and broke out into uncontrolled laughter. He was going to pummel the guy as soon as he saw him but after Milly's display of anger he decided to let it slide. After all, it wasn't so bad. "Y'know," he started, getting his breathing back to normal, "I don't think he deserves half as much punishment as you're giving him."

"Really?" Everyone turned to look at him and he immediately shriveled under the hard gazes of the insurance girls. He sat in silence.

"C'mon, Milly. If he hadn't done that, then where would we be?" He nudged her arm lightly and was pleased to see the slight blush spreading across her features.

Meryl didn't miss the exchange. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Yeah. What's with you, huh? I don't think I've ever seen you blush before." Vash noticed as well.

"It's nothing! Don't even worry about it," she said, blush deepening.

"Well, what have we got here?" Jacob had emerged from the house and met them at the bottom of the rocky drive, his cane resting atop another dislodged stone.

"Some guy who calls himself 'The Stalker' or something. He came here shouting how he was gonna kill our friends if Va-uh, Victor didn't turn himself in." Meryl sighed in annoyance at the turn of events. To think, all of this because of Vash.

Milly felt relieved to no longer be the center of attention. She shot Wolfwood a glance and nudged him back, warning him not to say anything in front of the others. Meryl was far too nosy, though well-meaning, and Vash... He was like a human lie detector.

Jacob stared long and hard at the man in the dirty purple coat. "Say, I know you."

"You do?" Vash was more than a little shocked to find that this friendly old man hung around that... person.

Louis gulped. He hoped this old geezer was just confused.

"Yeah. You're wanted in Karston." The group stared at the criminal in disbelief.

"_Him?"_ Wolfwood asked incredulously. He flicked his cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. "I don't believe it." Surely the old goat was mistaken. While 'The Stalker' may have had a fairly impressive lab with one almighty son of a bitch guarding it, it was clear he couldn't do much on his own. If it hadn't been for the lost technology aiding him, he would've been another ass-hat with a gun and a stupid motif.

"Oh yeah, he's quite dangerous. I remember when our grandson came to visit last, he told us about some maniac in a purple coat going around threatening people and declaring himself the greatest mind ever known. He called himself a mad scientist or something. Awful stuff. Rumors were going all over there that he'd built all kinds of doomsday weapons and whatnot." He waved his cane around as if to draw a picture. "Thing is, no one could ever find him. They searched that town like crazy and nothing ever turned up."

"He was hiding here," said Wolfwood, adjusting his sunglasses. "Not a bad idea, really. After all, who would think to search a tiny speck of a town like this for someone so dangerous?"

"If he was so dangerous," Meryl said, pinching the bridge of her nose, "then why wasn't that their first guess?"

"You can't tell them about my lair!" The Stalker shouted suddenly, sending desperate glances at the stoic Wolfwood and the still agitated Milly.

"What lair?" Meryl asked, though she knew she'd regret it.

"Don't even worry about it," the priest said, not interested in recounting the fight with the killer robot. The lab was trashed anyway; no sense worrying about it now.

"Of course!" Jacob exclaimed, snapping his fingers. "A secret lair! It's brilliant. I'll have to tell John about this next time he's here. Oh, I haven't seen him in so long... I'll never forget the time when he was seven years old and he-"

"That's, uh, really great, sir," Meryl said, ending what could have easily been an hour long monologue. "Unfortunately, we should probably get going. I think we've overstayed our welcome as is." Karston wasn't far; maybe a couple hours if they walked, though she recalled seeing a Thomas stable on the way into town. They could turn in stalker boy and be on their way, hopefully a few thousand double dollars heavier.

Though given his minimal resistance, she didn't think he was worth much.

Milly chose that exact moment to remember that they were supposed to be getting groceries for Jacob and Sarah. "But what about-mmph!"

Wolfwood held his hand firmly over Milly's mouth. "We'll just go grab our things and see ourselves out. Thank you so much for everything though."

"Oh, it's no problem at all. Are you sure you don't want to stay a little longer? Sarah was going to bake a pie this evening for dessert."

Meryl didn't think she could take another second in this town. Between the useless criminal at her feet, the babbling old couple-though they were sweet, truly, she just couldn't stand the reminiscing anymore-the embarrassment that was Vash, and the horrid desert heat, she was feeling sick of this place. "Let's just hurry and get going. Please." She watched as Wolfwood and Vash headed up to the house to go grab their things.

Milly stood there awkwardly, wringing her hands and staring at the ground.

"Did something happen?" Meryl chanced, taking note of the way Milly's cheeks reddened once more.

"No! Nothing at all happened. Well, unless you count the trap door and the creepy lab and the robot-"

"How _did_ you manage to escape my robot?" The man looked ready to beg for an answer. "Please! You must tell me. Did you sneak away? Outsmart it? How did you leave the lab?"

Wolfwood spared Milly the effort of answering. "We killed it. Blew it up real good." He smiled at the strained gasp he received in response. "And if you don't want people going in and out of your lab, maybe make the door a little more complicated than open sesame."

Louis Matthews lowered his head in shame and accepted defeat. Any more denying it and he couldn't have had less dignity than if he'd gone streaking with his underwear on his head.

"Let's go," Meryl declared, marching ahead and eager to leave. Louis ambled pitifully after her with Milly right behind him, gun hefted onto her shoulder lest he try anything.

Milly let out a quiet sigh and slipped Wolfwood a thankful smile. She was glad to know that her feelings were reciprocated. The thought of being in a relationship with him made her feel like a schoolgirl in love with the bad boy, though she knew it would probably go wrong. She secretly hoped for another madman to show up in the next town and kidnap the two of them, giving them another excuse to be alone together.

Wolfwood matched Milly's smile with one of his own, though it faded shortly after she turned away. It would never work out in the long run, not with who he was and _what _he was. He should've known better than to get his hopes up. Still, it never hurt to hope for a miracle.

"So," said Vash quietly, wary of the other two eavesdropping. He sidled up right alongside Wolfwood, much to the other's chagrin. Then, with a sly grin, "What happened that she doesn't wanna talk about?"

"The same thing that happened that _I_ don't want to talk about," came the response. His senseless musings had left a sour taste in his mouth. He could really go for a drink right now.

"Oh, come on. Don't leave a guy hanging. You go off on some awesome adventure, battle robots and you won't even say you got the girl?"

"It's none of your business." He was getting irritated.

"So something did happen. I always knew you liked her." He dodged the heavy cross aiming for his skull. "Touchy. I bet you're not like that when she's looking."

"Dammit, Needle Noggin, shut the hell up already. Like you're one to talk after you got humiliated by that hotel girl."

"You mean the one _you _told me to hit on?"

"No. The one I said you should go talk to. Speaking English to someone and making lewd comments are not the same thing."

"But they're both English. And you said I could probably talk the pants off her." Wolfwood bristled. "Besides, how was I supposed to know she knew martial arts?" He didn't escape the priest's slap to the back of his head. Rubbing the sore spot, which was still bruised from the feisty red-head he'd tried sweettalking, he distanced himself from the man a little more. "You know what your problem is? You're not honest with your emotions."

"You want me to talk about my feelings? Alright. I'm _feeling _pretty aggravated with you and if you don't shut up I'm gonna shoot you!"

"Honesty isn't always the best policy, you know." He stumbled into the dirt after Wolfwood whacked him in the head again, this time with the Punisher.

"Will you two quiet down back there?!" Meryl turned to see an annoyed priest taking wild swings at the Humanoid Typhoon and sighed. "We've got a long way to go and I really don't wanna deal with this." Unsurprisingly, they didn't listen. Groaning, she faced forward again and was relieved to see the stable getting closer. At least she could leave those two in the dust as they sped off to Karston.

Milly giggled at the sight of the two men bickering. One of these days, she'd have to hook Meryl up with Vash. They would make such an adorable couple.

* * *

**A/N: This turned out WAY longer than I was expecting, holy crap! If there's any mistakes, please let me know. I've been working on this for far too long and I figured it would be best to just let it go or else I'll spend even more time on something that wasn't even supposed to be this lengthy. (I've already gone back and edited it several times just while writing this note, ugh.) **

**I know the ending might seem a little OOC (and probably forced and a little too convenient, for that matter) but I was trying to make this more of a goofy comedy than anything serious. I just wanted an excuse to put Wolfwood and Milly in a bonding situation involving groceries gone awry. Everything else came after. I created The Stalker to be a ridiculous villain of the week and nothing more, though he does have his moments of real villainy. I hope at least someone enjoyed this random scenario my bored brain conjured up. If you've managed to stick around this long, thank you immensely for reading.**

**P.S. I know this is the second story I've written where Vash is a useless dork and Meryl is borderline abusive but I was trying to keep the tone similar to that of the anime in the beginning: a little serous but mostly lighthearted with a good dose humor. And I also just find it hilarious. XD I promise the next Trigun fic I work on will focus on these two a little more instead of just making them comic relief.**


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